Mye Suhaimi's Life

i just have to wake up

2011-04-05T20:56:00.000-07:00

I used to set my aims when I’ve got into MTSSR. Things that I wanted to achieve. But now, I seemed to be left far behind. I wanted to be the chosen one to do those tasks, to represent my group. It’s not my time yet or this I is what I deserve to get from being lazy and taken things so lightly.

Yesterday, we had cooking practical revision for our next assessment. I came a bit late due to traffic congestion. Bowls in the rack were all taken- there were only a big bowls left. I was pretty pissed inside but I can’t blame for the lacking bowls in the kitchen. There is always a way to solve problem. But I tend to lost myself in madness and anger. I was lost that I couldn’t thing straight.

I ran around the kitchen looking for small bowls. I should have used the bigger bowls and put all the ingredients inside. I made a lot of mistakes and done a lot of correction over and over again. Even my bread rolls did not rise up. With the loudness from my instructor mouth I just can’t handle thing right. She was so loud in the kitchen that I really can’t think straight. Frustrated and depressed.

Last month I had an English presentation. I chose Dato Chef Wan for my presentation. And again I did it last minute and didn’t even do any preparation. I was so damn sure that I can nailed it without practice. I was arrogant and so egotistical. My presentation was okay- like just fine. I know I could do much better- REALLY BETTER that I could wowed my colleagues and of course my instructor.

I have to wake up from this dream land. I have to stand up again. if i have to knock my head off the wall, I will do it.

what to say?

2011-03-26T22:19:00.001-07:00

It has been a very long time now. My school holiday is about to end and we are going back to college TOMORROW! Pffft

I’m having a really HARD (&*($*#*@ time right now. I have roughly a month left for my organized function assessment. There are five of us in my group. We decided to go for Arabian night. I did some researches and I’m still stranded in an island of curiosity and Confusion. It sounds easy when we first hear it. All this hard time we may include it in our report. BUT! –I don’t know

Day time

2011-03-06T01:17:00.000-08:00

A&W treat!

2011-03-05T23:24:00.000-08:00

Kuala Lumpur

2011-03-05T23:07:00.000-08:00

Hours at Genting Higlands

2011-03-05T22:20:00.000-08:00

at cousin's, Vistana Apartment

2011-03-05T21:16:00.000-08:00

Permatang Beach

2011-03-05T20:19:00.000-08:00

Fun Fair Senawang, Seremban

2011-03-05T04:54:00.000-08:00

things that i might miss for months or even years

2011-03-05T04:30:00.001-08:00

things that i might miss for monthls or even years

2011-03-05T04:21:00.000-08:00

the day continues until sunset

2011-02-03T04:03:00.001-08:00

Where kids met and play

2011-02-03T03:47:00.000-08:00

a month of Holiday in Melaka.

2010-11-30T07:21:00.000-08:00

End of October

2010-10-29T18:21:00.000-07:00

Like always, I find it hard to spend an hour updating this blog. Clock was ticking so fast when I was dead exhausted. On last Wednesday, I fell asleep from 6pm until 6am the next morning. My schedules wasn’t that packed that I do not have time write. It’s just; I wasted a lot of time in front of the Laptop youtube-ing Korean TV shows, checking my Facebook every now and then. I should have bought a diary though.

On the second week of October, we had Housekeeping presentation. It was on Saturday and Monday. I was well prepared physically but not spiritually. Half of wanted to do the presentation first but half of me wanted to be last. I wanted to observe and learn from the other's mistakes. I did my presentation on Monday. was over the time limit, even the penalty time was over. When Mrs .D told me i went over the limit, i panicked- lost. I jumped straight to the conclusion. HAHAHA!! That is not the great way to finish a presentation. But overall, I was 60% satisfied.

On the third week, we had such a tiring week of relocating stuffs for our F&B lesson; cutleries, plates, cruets, linens, sideboards, chairs and tables. GOD!! It sucked our sweats out. I guessed it was the first time I ever sweat since I start my study in MTSSR. The healthy way to sweat doing the exercise that doesn’t bore you.

FINALLY!! We had our own kitchen uniforms. AWESOME!!

Nazurah Birthday's Suprise!!

2010-10-10T07:55:00.000-07:00

It's 101010~ Happy Birthday to my dearest sister, who'll be having exam starting next week onwards.

MTSSR's Sport day

2010-10-09T02:47:00.000-07:00

We had quite tiring two days of sport’s day. Since we’re in the hospitality course, foods and drinks preparation fell under our palms. Day one was hectic! The foods came late, so does the drinks. Our Head department was pissed with the insufficient delivery. We had to wait and we were exhausted and hungry. I went home early due to the oral exam I was having on the afternoon. The exam goes well as I prayed for. Then, I headed to Saii’s house for lunch. Her mother was so generous that she prepared lunch for my course-mates and me.

Day two was just fine- more organized more headache-free. This time, I had to sign some sorts of document at Tamwil BIBD bank. It took one hour to finish. I didn’t get the time to go to Norani’s house for lunch. So I went to KFC and bought meal for dine.

Nazurah's Open House

2010-10-04T21:16:00.000-07:00

She really loves to walk~

Right; Carren & left; Simon

Beautiful little Sakila

I was with Zaza holding Sakila in our arms

Mom Rozi

On that day we had quite long hours of cooking. It was for the selling event near the Royal Regalia building. We started cooking at 8am until mid day. God knows how tired we were. We then went to see how things were doing in the hospitality department so far. The Tourism department took in charge of the selling. Their job was easy than ours.

I went to the school to give my brother his sport outfits. Then I had to send Bazeelah back to her house. Before that, I dropped by at my closed friend’s house, Nazurah. Sufi, her boyfriend was there too. We spent only a few minutes. And again, I had to fetch my brother in College MPH. I was exhausted driving here to there.

I got home by 1845 and I rushed to get my shower. I went straight to Nazurah’s once more. Simon, a friend of mom Rozi came with his wife, Rachel, Daughter, Sakilah and mother-in-law, Carren. Sakila is really a big girl for a 10 months age. She’s big and lovely.

I had a great conversation with his mother-in-law. It started when we were standing near the door, watching Sakila tip toe with her mother and Zaza. The talk then persists for quite a lengthy time. Haha! It drained out the liquid out of my throat. I believed it was some sort of sign as a practice for my coming oral exam. There was a time where I struggled for words. But Carren understand my difficulties and comforted me. It was okay to make mistakes as long as you had the confident in yourself and daring enough to talk in English.

Mom Rozi seems to felt relieved that Simon’s mother-in-law has someone to talk to. We talked a lot about Brunei, New Zealand, Australia and some other things that came in our mind. She even shared her stories with her refugees’ students that came from Afghanistan, India and Vietnam. It really impressed me, how they’re too shy to talk in English and choose to talk near to Careen’s face with their small voice. In the same time, I felt ashamed, embarrassed to know that unknowledgeable people from poor country were courageous to talk in English despite of their small voice. They don’t have the basic knowledge of English but they tried and managed to do well.

It was in fact a nice meeting and awesome conversations that I would always keep in my mind as my motivation and goal to talk in English boldly even though I did some mistakes. Practice makes perfect.

Eid Celebration in college

2010-09-30T18:36:00.000-07:00

I missed a lot during the celebration. I went to the dentist for dental check up. So, pretty much I didn’t know what’s they were up to. In the other hand, I was glad I wasn’t there, but I do felt left behind. I asked Nad, what I was missing. She said I missed the fun part. We hung out at the student resource centre for a while before we went back home. My other colleagues were planning to go for raya after college. I didn’t go with them since I have to cook spaghetti Carbonara for their visits. I expect them to come in 6 people of a groups but the number that came was about 12 people; double the size of my expectations. Thank Goodness I made Kimbap as a side dish. It was enough for them.

My girl course mates.

Behind; Saii, me, Rain, Baz, Norani, Sima,

infront; Izati, Zeer, Nad, Syaza, Hara, Geedah & Amal

two girls went missing; Lia and Seri.

Nad and I together with the others, hanging out at the SRC

I'm sorry that the Video is a bit blurry due to the poor standard of camera. This one i copied from my friend's video collection.

Eid Mubarak everyone!

2010-09-11T03:35:00.000-07:00

Out of the blues, Brunei celebrates Aidilfitri early unlike before. I was shocked after hearing the news. Who knows that we will be celebrating raya this advance when your home still upside down. Everything is hastened on the last day of Ramadan.

My first morning of raya was quite taciturn. My grandparents were no longer in this world, so we were clueless who to visit first and last. My mom has to go to work for her morning shift. It bored me to dead. Nevertheless, my cousin came by at 1230. It sounds great when people come and filled your mute day. We then went to my grandpa’s sister along with my mom’s brother. Our day continued to other relatives’ home. Quite tiring you see, but okay for once in a year celebration. The sky cries for the all night. How am I going to visits my friend if the sky kept busting to tears as the sun hides from the horizons

look how cute baby Aqwa is.

Aqwa with His Mummy, Pearl.

On the next day of raya, I went out visiting my friends. It has been a long time. Everyone have their own life and stories. That’s what makes it so interesting to meet them after a few months and years.

Work overloaded.

2010-09-05T03:07:00.000-07:00

I felt like I becoming lazy for the last few days. We were given at least two to three works. And seriously I just started doing one; front office assessment. Sometimes I feel like crying due to the works given. The writing part was easy; however the research part was hell! When I didn’t get what I wanted, I would cry and pissed. I hate doing work alone. I prefer having group discussions with my colleagues. Though, we do have online discussion on Dima web, but it does not really helping. My eyes getting sore since I start doing my research work. I had to sit in front of Laptop and ready everything on the screen for two to three hours. Weird, last night my vision was blurred like some light has been blocking my sight. It feels hurts at the beginning but it would simply go after I rub my eyes. Even when I was driving last time, I thought something has gotten onto my glasses but after I lifted, it was nothing but the distraction was on my eyeballs. I haven’t started working on my housekeeping and F&B’s assignment yet. I have to do it slowly and consistent. There are so many things to be done before the 4^th term starts.

Things that happened around college

2010-09-04T19:45:00.001-07:00

For the few weeks back then, we had been baking and cooking. This time, we were free to do our own recipes. Raya is about two to three weeks ahead. Some baked cookies for Eid and some made pasta. The most interesting part that I’ve learnt on the last week of 3^rd term of school was Rain’s recipe; pulverize Tofu with carrots. I didn’t get the chance to taste because I was fasting. Everyone say it tastes good. Even our cooking lecturers complimented her recipes. Awww~ it must have taste darn good.

Mr Faiz's family pizza recipes

very dark brownies as you can see. it tastes awfully bitter.

There were so many things happened in college. What really cracked me was when we were in the library. Everyone was bored and some of us, suggested to give Amal a makeover. So we did it onto Amal and even우리 할머니, Rain.

Our grandmother, Kay'Rain. kekeke

Amal

Izzat’s birthday surprised.

2010-08-26T09:44:00.000-07:00

The idea came from Zeer. Well the main reason we’re planning to do the surprised was Izzati. She kept asking us to surprise her, so we did. It was pretty hard to keep her away for a while though.

I baked the cake. It tastes good but the presentation was doom. We managed to surprise her during break time. We were having baking hour that day. It was a week early from her actual birth date- which was in the fasting month. Yeay!! It went well.

OUR FIRST COOKING PRACTICAL!

2010-08-11T21:18:00.000-07:00

Waaaaa! It’s been a long time now. I quite busy with my college life nowadays. Guess I am so into the course that I didn’t have a chance to update my blog. Anyhow, there’s so much more for me to type. However i do not managed to recall everything in my mind. Last week, I had cooking classes; in the European cooking, we made stocks. Ghee! It doesn’t even need a lot of energy. We cooked three different kinds of stock – white stock; chicken, brown stock; meatless bones and Fish stock. Mine was just okay except the brown stock. It didn’t browned and it looked exactly like white stock. Derh! *frustrated* In the Pastry and bakery class we baked some bread rolls. I expect it to be tough but I t was darn easy!

Last Day of work!

2010-07-21T01:08:00.000-07:00

Faiz Sim

Our Landscape

Our supervisor, Mr. Samberi- which is also a good friend of my dad.

The dessert was yummy! i love chocolate ;)

My Former high school teachers.

Hahaha! everyone was exhausted

Us with our supervisors

These are some of the pictures taken on our last day of work in Nurul Iman Palace. I would be lying if I say it wasn’t fun to work in a big team of Hotel and Catering Management’s people, though it was damn tiring. I don’t have much to write.

Yeaayy!! I can’t wait to start my college life!

My very first job!

2010-07-13T07:18:00.001-07:00

We- everyone in hospitality&tourism- are assigned to work in Nurul Iman Palace under His Majesty's birthday event.
Our schedules is packed that I didn't have the chance to update my blog. Today is our day off.
On day one, we had a short briefing. Our jobs may look easy to some people but it needs a lot of strengths and patience to accomplish the tasks. Good thing that we will be paid by the government. Haha ;D
Day two, I had quite unpleasant morning. The nurse whom works in the front gate, scolded me for not confronted her before I go to get my bag scanned. I was completely in shocked. I know she's older than me but where's on earth is her manner? She could have corrected me nicely. I was still new makcik oii~
I was lucky that I do not include in the royal banquet. If I do, I might have to stay until late night.

Day three~

2010-07-07T04:12:00.001-07:00

Right! What did we have for today?
This day, we focused on the topics of health and drugs. We updated our ignorant from the Minister of Health and from the Narcotic Control Unit.
Seriously i can get a severe butt cramps for the long hours sitting on the chair.
Evening event was a breaking ice activity. We were split according to the number behind our name tag and got to play some exciting games.
To be honest, i was quite worried with what the student councils had in mind. I've heard a few bad things that my friends had before during their year of ice break event. Our student councils were sporting friendly and not forget to mention, funny. You people are the awesome-ist!
MTSSR rocks!

Day two in MTSSR ;)

2010-07-06T05:08:00.001-07:00

Our day started with national anthem.. Then we went to the multi-purpose hall for today's talks. We had four topics.
Sir Matamit broke the first talk about the allowances. I can see that he is not quite a talker. Second, Sir Ramle touched the discipline issues. He is hilarious- like COMPLETELY HILARIOUS!
I really like the counseling talk by Mrs. Sharifah Khadijah. She is very inspirational woman and a good example kind of person.
The afternoon talk stars at two- Regarding to the scholarships provided by His Majesty's goverment.
I just knew from that moment i did the right thing for leaving form six centres and went to MTSSR. I can feel it already; i can feel that it holds my future here and it sure as bright as a glowing pearl. I’m truly grateful to both Allah and the head of department for giving me the opportunity to chase my dream.
All i got to do now is stay focus and give the hell out of me to this course. I pray each and every day to Allah to grant me strength for the difficulties i might face ahead.

Registration day baby!!

2010-07-04T17:15:00.001-07:00

All right people! A new day just has just started. Yeayyy!! I am back to school~ MTSSR! here i come!
I meet Faris- my high school friend. And we both headed to multi-purpose hall. Not quiet many people around. We were early,perhaps~
My tummy is aching or it was just me with butterflies.

Bobby Chin was in Brunei!

2010-06-29T05:27:00.000-07:00

Bobby Chin. He is one of my favorite celebrity chefs aside of Chef Wan and Chef Robin Rainfords. There’s a lot more than them: Jamie Oliver, Curtis Stone, Anna Olson, Rachel Allen, Paula Deen and so forth. I just love to watch them talk and play with the ingredients. I wish I could be more like them, cook and teach people in the same time. It sounds awesome!

I first knew Bobby Chin was in Brunei when he was on air with crystal Fm. I almost jump with joy when I heard his voice. Man! I really adore him since I watched his cooking program, Asia Cafe in T&L. I told my dad about his presence and nagged him to send me to the I.C.C. on the next Friday.

When the day comes, I was hell in excitement. Suddenly my dad told me to wait for my brother to pick me up at 1630. I was completely in vain and disappointed and headed back to home. I’m a coward when it comes to walking around ALONE!! Pissed? YES! I cancelled my intention to go there. And unfortunately I didn’t get the chance to meet him.

A friend of mine, Bazeelah got to met him1 Awesome!!

Breaking up is a real drama in the real world!

2010-05-17T06:02:00.000-07:00

Some persons are willing to kill their selves just because of love. Does it worth to die for a soul that does not love you anymore? That my question to those whom are thinking of suicide or even to whom thinking of hurting their selves.
Let say, you’re death in love him/she now but they do not reply you affections anymore and you were basically threatening them with suicide or hurting yourself. I would simply call you a STUPID ASS! That are not the solution, you’re just being a selfish moron who can’t accept the fact of they leaving you. Be opened to the wide world and think of a much better person would fall into your arm.
To be frank, I used to be like those people. I was such a silly bitch chasing a guy who I wasn’t sure if he felt liked what I felt to him which in the end he ended up with my closed friend- the one who I told about him the most. What a shame. It hurts, but I learnt from my stupidity.
We still can love others but just make it clear that you are not giving 110 of your soul to them. Who know, you might find a better person in year ahead or you might find a hotter and the intelligent one than you have now. Don’t make yourself regret for giving too much hopes to your now partner. They would spit on your face with the promises you made to them. And if they die or hurt, you’re the one who will be blame for their idiotic behaves.
I’ve grown up even faster when I started listening to my friend’s life or love’s drama. I listen intently and give them advises but I never told them what to do. That is up to them to decide. I was just giving advices from my point of view.
My age is still young. I don’t need to chase a guy. I am not desperate to have a boyfriend. I am not interested in having a commitment with a guy at my age- it doesn’t mean I am a homosexual! I’m more interested to have a lot of male friends and chasing my dreams. Mom Rosie was right, if I wanted to have a boyfriend, make sure he is the one I’m about to be marry with. Plus I wanted to get my PhD, just like Akk Nisa. But can I wait till that age? Of course I can! I think... ha-ha

South Korea oh SK

2010-05-17T06:01:00.000-07:00

I have a faith that childhood’s fantasy sometimes can come true. Others were eager thinking what they wanted to be, but mine was different. I wanted to live in Korean ever since I fell in love with their language. It’s the dream I’m about to chase! The priority one! I wanted to purse my study in South Korea. If there is a scholarship provided to SK, I won’t let the initiatives fly away.
What a big dream I have in mind. I haven’t started my study yet and there I was ranting of going to Sk. But dream is a dream, that needed to chase in order to make it happens. And I wanted to marry one hot Korean dude! That’s my dream too. Ha-ha! There, I’m talking nonsense once again. But it is true, Ayah! I wanted to marry a Korean dude if that’s ok!! LOL fate is not in my hand, Allah had arranged everything and I entrusted everything to God.
It has been almost seven months now. I’m sick of staying at home. I want to study, to get my mind back on the track and work

Tired with hypocrisy!

2010-05-10T03:07:00.000-07:00

I’m sick of being a hypocrite. I’m tired of pretending to do what people wanted me to. It suffocated me.

Once, I tried to change. I wore scarf but it only lasted for a few months. Then I was back without wearing ones only on the occasions that I think ought to wear in order to respect the event. During my one month staying at Malacca with my grandma. I wore scarf every time we were going out. However I didn’t wear it when I arrived from Brunei. Guilty pleasures filled within me. Should I say that I didn’t wear scarf in Brunei. Then I would be dead literature by makwe. So I just do what they say. One night, mama Eda asks whether I wear scarf or not in Brunei. I was stunned, Damn it! What am I supposed to answer? I did not tell her lie. It’s true that sometimes I wear scarf sometimes not- which most of the time NOT! But I didn’t tell her that.

Same goes to Pray. Sometimes I pray, sometimes not. I get lost easily in this big world. Sometimes I missed pray and when I did want to pray I fall asleep. My sister after me is a great role model for my other younger siblings. She prays, she’s intelligent and she’s tough when it comes to religions. While me, -guess I have the evil minds.

There’s a time I feel I don’t deserve to be their sister. I am more to diplomatic kind of person. If they want to wear scarf or not it is up to them. However, I am very strict when it comes to appearances and Azan. I really dislike when my last sister wears sleeveless top or short pants to the opened world. Though, I did wear short pants when I went for a jog and hike. And when Azan was in the air, I would shut them if they play music’s out loud even if they used headphones.

People always confuse between me and my sister. People thought she was the eldest, might be because she wears scarf. But it didn’t bother me but sometime it does!

Mama Eda even asked me when I will start to wear one. I surely not sure when. And she told me to do it slowly.

Interview day!

2010-04-30T01:06:00.001-07:00

I was excited when I arrived in MTSSR. I met Fiyah there; she helped me showing the way to The Hospitality & Tourism department. Then I joined Bazeelah, she sat in front of me with her friends while I was with my sister’s friend – one intake with Deejah. I barely understand what a friend of Bazeelah was talking about- she talks fast, I couldn’t cope with her words. I just simply say ‘I don’t know’. I met some new friends. The seniors of Hospitality& Tourism were all friendly and wished every each of us good luck.
There was one sir who reminded me of my former Home science’s teacher – Sir Zul Ehsan. He is more or less liked him. Hehe
Shit! Why do I stutter during the interview? I can hear my heart pounding. I can hear my voice shaking. Damn it! I failed to hide my nervous. My English were all over the place. One minute I was ranting then I fell silent most of the time. The interviewers were sporting though, yet I freaked out once I sat in front of them. They felt satisfied with all the certificates I have- I guess. They were amazed that I get involved with so much activity at school. And I did tell them that I regretted my decision of dropping out from Ptek.
They asked what I know about the course. I was dead mute! I forget to do my survey on that part. Damn it! How can I skip that part? I know nothing except cooking. And when they told me that cleaning toilet as in housekeeping was a part of the course, I do not know how to react. A grin emerged on the end of my lips, doesn’t know how to respond. For God’s sake! I don’t care if the cleaning was in it. As long as they give me the opportunity to study, I’ll be grateful. I’m sick of staying at home and with nothing to do. My brain need to get back on the track, I have to study back, somehow. I miss homework’s, I miss assignments, I miss doing presentations and I miss the happy moment when I get the highest score in class. I don’t want to work at stores or mall or where ever. I just want to study. My desire is still strong to study, not to work and not to have commitment on love. I had all that once and now it is my job to finish my study, to keep gaining knowledge and not to get involved with a man after different man

Tomorrow is the interview calls in!

2010-04-28T06:20:00.006-07:00

I’m going on the interview calls in for Hotel Management and Catering tomorrow afternoon. I felt nauseas and excited. I’ve got butterflies in my stomach. Day passed without my realization. Felt like just a few weeks after I received their letter and here I am, waiting for the world to wake up as the sun gleams over the equator horizon. I hardly get enough sleep for the last couple days. My eyes were carrying a bag on each side. My head is spinning like crazy; the paracentamol help soothed the pain.
My mom told me to keep things ready which I had already done last week. Fear always there with me. I’m afraid that I’d not stand out and impress the interviewers.
What should I do to impress them?
What should I say to make them believe that I determined myself into this course?
What can I do so that I would be one of the great speaking student-to-be in the interview?
Can my eyes prove to them how dedicated I am to be one of their students? I do loves to talk, to have a long conversation with people. But will I able to do it tomorrow? I don’t know and I’m not sure. But I prayed I would! May Allah bless me in everything I do and May my parents, family and friends’ prayers driven me to an awesome interview ever.

i could only say sorry

2010-04-24T20:28:00.000-07:00

I’m sorry that I couldn’t be more like her. I am so sorry that I couldn’t be a glowing pearl. I’m sorry I’m not doing Excel in school. I’m sorry I couldn’t make you both as proud as you were to her. It just me myself, I choose this way to behave. Jealousy dragged me to the wrong path. Desirous for attention makes me rebellious and such a pain in ass. Every time you pissed and hit me, I look it at the wrong view. I took it too personally that I keep a vengeance towards you both. When you swore and threw name to me, I silently swore back to you, behind your backs. You slapped me for the first time when I fought with your son, I was stunned by the sudden impact and again, I took it personally, holding grudges of you landing your hand harsh on my face. I must have driven you crazy that time- and I sorry. Even typing this makes me crazy, ashamed to admit I was wrong and hypocrite, and selfish. Tears were building up in my eyes, afraid the other would notice my eyes were creating pools within. It crashed me deeper when you hit me over the Fucking-mouth-full-of lies of your maid, said that I called her bad word when she was the one started it first. You called me and my battery went flat- bet that what made you hit me. It took time for me to forgive and forget about it. I had become fearful- even when you held your hand up, I would suddenly get the electric nudge, nudge that you might hit me for no reason. That would include you rising voice to me or even them. I tried to pay back what you did to me, still holding the grudges inside by swearing at the younger siblings. I threw them bad words, mad over a small matter as if playing with your nerves. I did not talk to you nicely like I talk to my friends; I realized that, I filled with sins for not being a grateful daughter. I talk liked that because you barely had a conversation with me. If only you ask me about my day at school, I believe it can bond us more. I just need attention and feel your affections. I was afraid to ask money from you, I was afraid to talk to you; I had to talk to myself as if I was asking from you, and I let it that way. I am certain terrified what makes me far from both of you. And I believed that my friends knew me more than you do. You may find it weird by the way I treated them. I treated them differently because I can feel the welcoming gesture whenever I’m with them. If only you have the gesture I would not feel afraid to be around you. I was lost when I was young and I am really sorry. So help me find myself again, before I’ve gone too far. And I’m still a bit lost now and then.

I feel fragile inside

2010-04-24T19:13:00.000-07:00

Whenever i feel unsure, i seem to break into pieces inside. Four days before the interview. Fear that i would blow away the only chance of me to get back on the track and pursue my dream. I've always done that- blew away my chance- i did it once during my O'level year. Deep in me knew i can score better in English but i was drowning with my own fear, terrified i'd mess the writing exam. Though i did well in Oral exam, I doomed in writing. I put pressure on the essay, pushing myself into it. The clock was ticking. I could felt the ticking sound in my ear. I prayed so hard for the 'brain-storm' to happened, yet it did not. Overwhelmed, mad, and lost in my own rage. I’ve almost cried and tore my self-esteem with my temper. There i was, sitting on my place in the hall, waiting for the ideas to pour into my brain like the rain pouring down from the sky to the padi field and flourished the crops. My brain were not fertilized enough. I shouldn't have doubt myself.

A new guy in their class

2010-04-21T04:01:00.000-07:00

Here i am, at Kaiyisah's- drown with their laughs- while I scribbling out for words, didn't know what to type for today post. There was a new guy in their tuition class-the only guy- guessed Kaiyisah, Nazurah and Mila were excited to have new 'person' to cherish the night. It is not a tuition class actually, just simply like a night class for me. Though im still confused to think over about that, just let it be that way. The girls giggled over the guy, bet he got offended by their laughs. Kaiyisah kept laughing over his behaving. i admits, he is kinda funny- sort of. My butt started to aching, i sat on the floor for ages now. I've got a butt-cramped people! i wanted to stand up , then my foots got the 'electric shot'. My butt was cramping and my feet got electric shot, GREAT! it felt so great! The laughs subside and the serious voice of Mrs Hani took place- struggling to get the girls back to the main agenda of their class. i always there- at kaiyisah's- while Nazurah and the other focus to the class, i sat the back with laptop on my lap-browsing and updating my personal blog, Oprah, Facebook, Twitter, Mail or even youtube-ing for new videos. i always accompany Nazurah to tuition or to her Grandparents's house. Whenever she text me, I’ll always on the go. It was mainly because i feel bore staying at home-there's nothing for me to do excepts read! She is one of my best friends and she's more like a sister to me.

One of our crazy nights

2010-04-21T01:59:00.000-07:00

It makes me laugh everytime i look at this picture. It was taken last few weeks. The person who drove behind us must had been fooled by my friend. Well, who tell him to drive so slowly? It was such a nerves-racking to Nazurah and to all of us. Zaza and I came up with the stupidest idea ever, yet it was funny. I wore scarf to cover myself from the cold that night. I gave it to Nazurah along with my spectacles. She wrapped my scarf around her head and wore the spectacles. When the car behind passing after us, Nazurah acted like she was a granny. The woman who sat on the passenger seat gazed coldly at her and suddenly changed to oh-it-was-a-granny looked. Zaza and i laughed until we were voiceless, gasping for air to breath..

Sleepless night

2010-04-16T17:49:00.000-07:00

I woke up with back pain this morning. I barely sleep for two days now. My brother slept on my place recently and I have to give up, too tired to argue. Aren’t the elders supposed to give up for the younger’s? , guess that phrase didn’t mean a thing to him.
I waited for my mom and dad from work – hoping that they would sweep him of my place. Apparently, they do not. I took my bed sheet to my dad’s bedroom. He asked why I was in his room. I ignore what he said to me- just try to get my sleep. There again, I had a difficult time to fall asleep. Their air-conditioner was flat. What the heck man! I’m so tired and I need my 9 hours eye-shut. I just need sleep! That’s all, nothing personal. Then I moved back to our bedroom and sleep on the double size bed. I was night-dreaming so that I would fall to sleep but the bed wasn’t cozy enough to make me asleep.
I riot helplessly in my heart- wanted to kick him out of my place. Well, what I can do? He’s the eldest. And he has to go to college the next morning. And what am I doing the next day? NOTHING. That is why I didn’t have the gut to argue. I am a school leaver and ABOUT to go to college this June. Dissimilarly to them, they’re going to school while I am a waiting-student-list in my upcoming college.
I know, I have to give up my place now, but when I’m back to school, I’m going to kick anyone butt that sleep in my place. I already have plan for tonight- I’m going to sleep early than him. LOL
what happened this morning was HILLARIOUS! My brother was dead slept. I could hear my maid waking him up several times. If I was him I would storm to the bathroom and hurried. Here’s the thing about my brother, he didn’t care enough to wake up unless it has to do with his job because they can get punish real bad. He sometime takes thing easily like this morning. Then when the clock was almost strikes 8. I guessed, his friend call, want to know what he said? “Huh? Aku di highway dah, kereta ku pancit!” (He’s on the highway, and his tyre was flat) what the hell man! Obviously he was still on bed. I giggled. Fool!

Just a dream

2010-04-15T20:28:00.000-07:00

Ever since i was a kid, I’ve always wanted to be something -something beyond people imaginations used to dream of being a pilot, a farmer, a business woman or even to be a DJ Radio. Despite all of that, i wanted to be writer. i loves to writes as much as i love to read. Let’s just say that it came from my late ayahwe. My late granpa, too, love to read and write. i read his journal, once. Though, some of his hand writing gave me a hard time to figure out the words.

Every where i go, whatever came to my sight, words keep lingering in my mind- as my mind itself struggle to find the right words to build a sentence after sentences and eventually finish as a story. I do believe the even a simple group of words can shows others, our feeling.

writing does afford a living. just take a closer look at J.K.Rowling and Stephenie Meyer. Both have became a successful writers, Both, now live as a celebrity and both are my favorites writers after Nicholas Spark. Millions of copies were sold. From their writing, it turned out to be the Box-office movies. Their contributions to the Entertainment Industry and the people all over the globe were huge. The Entertainment business gained millions of bucks in their pockets. The people around the world gained knowledge through the book they read.

The problem i face right now is lacking of courage. i was too scare to take a step forward. i feel edgy when it comes to making money for a living. Where would it take me to? How far can i go with writing? That what bothers me the most? My English is not as good as the other young writers out there. But im willing to learn to be better from awful, from better i can be excellent. There aren’t many organizations for young writers like me in Brunei. i don't even know if there were any, to be honest. i have a lot more to learn.

Why did i choose Hotel management & catering?

2010-04-15T19:50:00.000-07:00

There are a few reasons why. Cooking is already in my blood. My dad is a cook- a great cook, indeed. i was exposed to his cooking since i was 5. When i watch him cook, he's very passionate. i was amazed by that. it seems like he and the ingredients get along very well -as if he was meant for the ingredients and the ingredients was meant to be there for him.

i remembered my first attempt to cook, i was 11 by then. i tried to bake a cake but it didn't turned out like i wanted it to be. i was so lucky that i had the chance to learn how to cook in high school. i took home science study until i was in form 5. My teachers were also my inspirations. They taught us with such amazing enthusiasms. They made me fell in love with the teaching. i tried to cook for my dad's birthday, once. i cooked 'Ayam Rendang Melaka'. i spent one hour and a half cooking the rendang, and yet it tasted 'weird'. i might put a LOT of seasoning, though. Bet, he didn't know who cook that rendang, in fact it doesn't even looked like chicken rendang. The rendang was left over in the refrigerator for weeks and finally end up in a cat's stomach of our neighbor. LoL

It was such a shame during my first met with the lecturers in PTEK. They were looking through my result and said 'too bad there's no food and nutrition study. You’re good at it' they also wondered what i might be, if i graduate from six centre. It was a wakeup call for me. i was such a fool because i did not listen to what my heart was saying. it was my dad who kept pushing me to pursue my study at PTEK- worried that i might end up as a chef like him. i was like mentally tortured doing the things that i does not passionate at.

i said to myself one night, “this is not I’ve always dream for". i went to my high school the next day and met my F&N educators. i asked for an advise how to be an educator like them. They told me what courses they took and how they end up to whom they are now.

Allah heard my prayer, alhamdulillah

2010-04-15T19:12:00.000-07:00

This morning, right after i had my shower, i saw a brown rectangular object laid on the dining table. It was an envelope. My heart pounded so hard as if it was trying to rip my skin off and escape. My fingers were all in sweat was shaking. Part of me sure it came from MTSSR while part of me prayed it was from them. i read the front face of the envelope- it has my name on it! It has my name. i was jumping up and down, back and forth that i almost slipped the a table upside down.

When i opened the envelope, the first thing i saw was MTSSR's logo was in the state of excitement, screaming like a lunatic and sang adam lambert songs like a maniac- completely out of my body. i was overwhelmed with my happy thoughts, drifted away by the joy of coming back to school and to be given the opportunity i has been praying for.

This is what I’ve been waiting for and Allah shows me where to start. It's all up to me now, I’m going to nail this interview. My feelings were already mixed up like rojak. Happy, thrilled, excited and anxious too.

When it comes to WEIGHT LOST!

2010-04-14T05:49:00.000-07:00

I have been struggling to lose weight ever since i was ten. It is all about decreasing the number. I'm so tired and sick with people throwing bad word to describe my appearances. It hurt me sometimes. More even when your own family insulted you. What am i to them? Am i a piece of wood? Don’t they ever think OR KNOW that i have feelings? Are they forgetting that i am a human being with thousand of emotions? How could they treat me this way! What if they were treated badly like they did to me? What if they're placed in my shoes, will they know what it feels like when people look down on them.
When i was 15, i managed to lose a huge number on scale. it brought a bundle of joy to me myself. I've became more positive than ever. i never got depressed and I was always be the hare-headed and the funny Mye. Losing weight does change my life and my personalities. it brought a light and stress free to every single day of my life. i was living like any normal and fit teen girls out there. We hit the gym twice or more in a week. We also never missed playing badminton, jogging, swimming and jungle tracking. it felt AWESOME when my first time to fit my Baju Raya and fancy dresses. I felt like i owned the world! HEHE
However, i start to take things easy when i was seventeen. I was too lazy to hit the gym, too lazy to go for a jog or even hiking. i eat more time to time. i starting to felt depressed and lazy over took my life from that moment. Friends and my foster mom consoled me to get back on track and start to lose weight again, but i didn't listen to each word they said. I’ve been adding the number way too far. And now, i am paying the price for that. Serve me right!
i have to pay three times to lose the stubborn fat all around my body. One month passed, i was gratefully thankful that i have lost 7kg. This time I’m going to lose it all the unnecessary fat!
LET THE FIGHT BEGINS!

Home, Brunei Darussalam :)

2010-02-28T05:36:00.001-08:00

It was my last day in Melaka before i flew back to Brunei. It would be my last lunch with Makwe & Mama Eda that day. I can felt the load of reluctant on my shoulder as the clock ticking, reluctant to leave Makwe & reluctant to go home, where i grew up, the place where my childhood was treasured. But, i know, i have to go back, i should go back to Brunei. There was where most of my friends lived, the country that make me feel safe and secure. We arrived at the airport sharp at 1435, just 55 minutes before my flight. Ayahlong & I were rushing to the boarding section. Soon after we got there, my eyes were nearly full with tears. I kissed them goodbye, went straight towards the waiting area. Geesh! It was hard to leave them, when i was starting to Felt like i was one of them.
I shivered under my clothes. I was afraid to be alone. i still got 25 minutes before departure. I was staring at the Airport emporium, wanted to buy the lollipop. I fight with my doubtfulness. So, i did buy the lollipop and nothing can harm me. Such a coward i was.
Hahaa! When i sat on the tools, there was a Chinese dude, asking about the flight to miri. The funny thing that cracked me up was, he sat next to me in the craft. We do talk a bit about Brunei and his studies in Curtin University. He took Accounting & finance. Too bad, i didn't know his name. I should have asked him his name though.
You know, i was foooled after the clouds. Every time i looked through the window shade, i had this silly sight, that there were thousands of continents, until i realised it was just a bunch of clouds. Allah the Almighty. His creations were spectacular. i even saw the clouds that looked like a Praying hand. Beautiful. Stunning. unimagineable, indeed imagineable. HAHA! wtheck!

Good Old times of us ;D

2010-02-22T18:51:00.001-08:00

My late grandfather, haji Abu Hashim Bin A.Manaf and my superbly gorgeous grandmother, Sharifah binti Abu HAshim
Haha, Ayahwe surely got that Handsome-charming looks! i miss u :')
From left Ayahngah Ahmad Kamil, Ayahlong Ahmad Bakhtiar, Maklang Yuhanis,Mama Yusidah, sister of ayhawe p/s idk her name, Makwe with my ayah on her hand, and ayahwe.
when i was borned into the world
Hehe comel!
i can not believe that my mom was that beautiful! pretty woman.
from left, my mom,my late grandma Hajah Tengah, my late granpa Hj Raup, My late ayahwe,Makwe & ayah
On our way to Labuan,i guess
during his youth aged!
Sweet pie of me! haha

Shopping-day BABY!!

2010-02-21T05:14:00.000-08:00

Today, i went to Mahkota Parade with Mama Eda, Paksahak, Adik Syahir & AdikAthirah.
I bought a new pink Tropicana school bag for Aton, My sister and Also track suit for me, myself. Also, I bought two retro glasses. Then we had our lunch at the foodcourt. While waiting for Paksahak & Athirah: they were searching for toilet!!, Syahir and me went to arcade. He played the; grab the toy'' thingy. Hahaha!
Shit!!! There’s a bowling area!! hehe. After that, we stopped by at the surau for Zohor prayer.
1700, Mama Eda & me sent Adik Nizar to his hostel. I gave him RM10 when we got there because it was the last day i saw him. I've only 3 days left. Wish i could stay a bit longer.

Yesterday, i've gone shopping to Jusco, Central Melaka with Maklang, Makwe, Abg Ayie and Abg Udy; should i call him Abg or not? i dont even know who is older.
Seriously, i had a bad headache soon i got home. BAD headache!!

It has been a long day!!

2010-02-13T18:21:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a great tiring day for me. We were having 'Tahlil' ceremony. I woke up at 0735, i think. As usual,my day begun with daily chores- cleaning the house, make drinks for breakfast and sweeping the floor. Then around 0900 Mama Eda and i went to Kuala Linggi, took our Malay cake from a friend of her. I brought Nabil and Athirah along.
The ceremony started at 1200. Relatives, friends and people were starting to come. My feet sores, my back paining and hands were excruciating. DARN!! i accidently kicked the glass bowl. Fucked! im such s mess, glasses was flying over an area. People were staring at me and hell yeah! I was about to cry. HAHAHA!! Screw me!

Think i saw my late Ayahwe

2010-02-10T21:09:00.000-08:00

It was sharp 0600. I've just waked up and went straight to the kitchen. Everyone was still sleeping, such a chilling morning. Stunned, Something Sparkles has caught my eyes. My heart beats were almost stopped when i looked outside through the glass door ,Ayahwe- sitting on the veranda, looking straight to my eyes, giving me his sweetest smile. I'm not sure what i saw or was it just a dream or i miss him real bad.

Night before today, i got a bad headache. The pain was excruciating. MakLang came by; i laid my head on her lap. She did help ease my pain a bit. I can’t sleep well, eventhough i slept with Makwe that night. There was a moment when I've woken by sudden, this familiar figures of a man, sitting neatly on bed, next to Makwe. I can’t see his face because the room was totally dark. And i am 99% sure it was Ayahwe. I know it was him and i'm positive about that!

i did tell mama Eda about this, and she said read Al-fatiah for Ayahwe. I miss him soo much!

my journey to Kuala Lumpur

2010-02-08T15:33:00.000-08:00

I went to Kuala Lumpur with Nekchu, Pakchu, Makwe and my sister, Dee. The weather was just fine until we reached Seremban. There was an accident occurred - involving a HUGE truck. Gee. Hahaha nekchu and pakchu were kinda having an arguments about the road.The funny part happened when Pakchu missed the road to ayahngah's house. we had to take the long way for u-turn and went through the Tol twice. Good thing finally came when we arrived. we had dinner with ayahngah and family for Akk Azi big wedding day tomorrow. It was my first time talking with his children, which i would say we were not exactly talking, just ask and answer.

I had been brain-washed by ayahngah about future and career that i want to get involves with. "SIMPLY BE THE BEST!" he said.
Then Busu came by. Makwe, Dee and I were staying at Busu's that night.

We went to akk Azi's wed the next day. I had met some of unfamiliar faces which mostly are relatives to my father side. Deejah cried after she knew her result. UNSATISFIED, i tell you. Pakcik Dzakie calmed her a bit.
We went to Pakcik Dzakie's, stayed for a few hours until Busu picked us. His daughters are cute and beautiful, just like their mother.

Sunday morning! Busu took Dee and Me to Sunway Lagoon. AWESOME-IST!! It was such a great day! We got in to the roller-coaster, ship that almost drops you from 130 degree and I've got to see the wild tigers, snakes and pirates. When I go there again and that will be a day for Adventure Park with my bestfriends. Then we had our lunch at Ampang Park and shopping at Jusco. Soon as we arrived at Jusco, Dee went to the toilet and i HAD to be with her. We got lost inside, people were packed. Thanks to GOD, Busu's daughter- Nabila, found us.

Monday afternoon, Busu went to work, Nabila went to school. Dee and me stayed at home. Ayahngah came by with Makngah, syasya and farish. Then we went to putrajaya and had our lunch at Alamanda.Happy birthday to Maksu!! We went to restaurant nearby that night. i was superbly surprised when Deejah brought her stuff down while i unpin my tudong. Maksu laughed when Deejah told me that we were going back to Melaka that night. I was in a deep puzzled. OO right, we were going back to Melaka because Deejah has to fly back to Brunei the day after tomorrow for form six's registration. Busu Fuad gave me a 100 note for shopping. What a day!

First week in Malacca, Malaysia

2010-02-01T03:50:00.000-08:00

It was my first trip to Malacca with my sister, Deejah; without parental supervision of course! we took the flight from Miri to Kuala Lumpur. The good thing that was our arrival time were 15 minutes early. I was soo damn eager to see my Makwe. Apparently,i couldn't see mama Eda or Makwe nor did PakSahak. Seriously, i can get a panic attack in any minutes. we waited for about 15 minutes when PakSahak finally emerged from nowhere, it gave us such a great relief. Actually i've got the feeling that it was them, whom parked the car on the edge of the road, just an instinct i guess. Deejah and me kissed mama's hand and makwe's and they replied with kisses on our cheeks. Seems liked they miss us, just like we are. I felt like a VIP, HAHAHA just because PakSahak drove a Merc.Benz. it doesn't mean a thing though. GEE! pakSahak droves real fast. We stopped in a restaurant and had our dinner. When we has arrived home, Adik Syahir was sleeping on the floor.
lol

The next morning, the very first thing that really annoyed me to death was the cocking of bloody chickens. Hey! I’m not used to the chicken-cocking in Brunei; in facts there are no chickens wandering around my house at all. Mama, makwe,Deejah & me bought nasi lemak babe!! and headed to nekChu's house. Unfortunately, they weren't at home, so we stopped by at makwe's sister and ate our breakfast.

we didn't go anywhere, Just stays at home and visited some of dad's relatives that i barely recognized. So far, i went to Family Store at Masjid Tanah and Tesco near Tanjung Malim. The Traffic were totally packed and hectic.

On a Friday morning, we went to Ayahwe's cemetery. When i stepped my foot on that area, I've got the flashback of all my times with Ayahwe- trying hard to hold back my tears, which obviously i failed and burst into tears as we get nearer to him. No matter how damn hard i try to hide it, the tears kept pouring out and my nose has turned bloody red. I didn’t fake the cry-thingy just to get attention from Makwe, it came by its self. Now i realized that how bad i miss him, it has been a long time i lost remembrance of reading prayer for him and it has been a long time since my last visit * also it has been a long time since my last 'talk with him.

May Ayahwe rest in peace. Al-fatiah

Leaving School is really a BIG DEAL to everyone!

2009-09-08T19:58:00.003-07:00

It wasn't my dream to proceed my study in Pte Katok ( Katok Form Six). In facts it was always been my dad's dream. I gave my very damn best and struggled in that school.
I still remembered when the first time i stepped my foot in Pte Katok. It wasn't that easy to choosed our favourite subjects with Fucked qualifications in hands. I'm tired of giving it a try. Studying the given subjects was a REAL STRUGGLE to me. im Tired, Exhausted and Fed Up! I should listen to my heart when i wanted to precede my study in MTSSR. What else can i do? When people around me Keep Pushing me to be one of the Ptek-ians.
Entering the school was a minor deal while leaving the school was really a Big deal to everyone! Leaving the school is just the same as entering the school.. Damn headaches.
I dare myself to take the RISKs by applying for MTSSR next year.. & I'm willing to take the risks.. For my own sake!